Come on, glass jaw. Carla: Welcome to Turk's head. : It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves. Turk: [they walk past Elliot uneventfully] Dude, you're totally hitting that! Murray Marks: [looks down a hallway, and shouts] Murray! Dorian: Oh, well, oh... she... she started to hyperventilate, a-and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank; it turned out to be a helium container from paediatrics. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Dr. Elliot Reid: Because the last time I met a patient at their house, I ended up on the news. Dr. Bob Kelso: Do know what else works? J.D. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. and Turk] You're a gorgeous couple. Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this. J.D. Dorian: That question wasn't directed at you! Looks like someone switched to big boy pants a little too soon... Dr. John "J.D." I just said "slave" to my new, black girlfriend! Dr. John 'J.D.' We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Dorian: [switch back to present] He was a beautiful black blur. Dr. Cox: [takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. Dr. Kelso: Then, out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. J.D. Your new cool guy walk? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit. It's a... disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless. It makes me tingle in my giblets. I did it and he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one. Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. J.D. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine. No surgery. Gregory Marks: Do you wanna sing about him? Dr. John 'J.D.' : Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, well well... snip my pickle and call me Shlomo! [leaves], Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where's your head right now? Jordan Sullivan: Oh! Dorian: [narrating] Okay, the only way to avoid the high-five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex. I mean, all day long all I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla... Carla... Carla...". Yeah, yeah! [empties it] Wow, that's a lot of rocks. Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official. Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering doesn't mean I'm old! Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green Earth that turns you orange. Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that? Nyet, nada, zilch, nothing in fact is wrong with her but little stress and exhaustion, brought on mostly by... oh, let it come... being her! I never get chocolate cake. Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Nurse, do you mind? But for most of us it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you. Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass. Turk: By the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud! Dr. Bob Kelso: [cuts Ted off] I'll handle this. Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. [They kiss] [Thinking] I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. [drops giant stack of carefully sorted files]... there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone. Dorian: Oh my God, a journal! Dr. Perry Cox: But when will I have time to kill myself? Dr. Perry Cox: [holding J.D. : [calling out to Dr. Kim, who he is disappointed to learn wears her wedding ring] Kim, wait! You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house. Because I once found a head in the storage room. Still have a rollicking social life? Jordan: Yeah, not listening. Turk: [snapping his fingers] Heidi Horse-Face! J.D. Don't you get it? : I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt. You've turned my life around. Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream then it's AWESOMER! Thank God this Hospital's full of white guys. I can't think about anything else. I mean, Dr. Cox is a text-book closed-off alpha male. Doug Murphy: Shaking him like a beach towel. : [to Dr. Cox] You're probably wondering why I didn't come earlier, although I know you'll never admit it. Dr. Perry Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone. When that patient came in and started bleeding out on me? his goodbye. We all work in different departments in the hospital. Dorian: No, no no. Ted Buckland: [seriously] One phone call! I can relate to that. Dr. Cox: Newbie! J.D. And neither will my boys! Yes! She's very, very, very good! Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first of my class at Stanford in 1972. She was definitely depressed. And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins! and enjoy hot chocolate loooove. J.D. Patient: If it'll make you feel any better, I'm uncomfortable with this whole 'touchy-feely' culture anyway. Dorian: No, I do. Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study. : Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered in your heart, so I'm going to schedule a pericardial centesis and drain it with a needle. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well maybe it's not too late. Ted Buckland: [indignant] My mother sleeps with men! Dorian: [makes a side-to-side "so-so" motion with his hand], Dr. Todd Quinlan: Dude; that's totally how my car was rockin' when I took this girl out last night. Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids. Are you currently sexually active? The only one you have to answer to, Newbie, is you! And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone! Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. J.D. Now, sorry, where were we? That is NOT the way it works, Bobbo. Carla: I didn't mean to upset you even though everything I said was true and you know it. J.D. But not this guy. Dr. John 'J.D.' Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! : Ah, this is way over Justin's head... he's never been in love. : Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. Friday's my birthday. J.D. Dr. John 'J.D.' J.D. So move on! Guess what my new cell phone number spells? After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name! Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good? I'm not here for the jokes. Dr. Cox: Joana, now i'm not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me. Dr. John 'J.D.' Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that rings we're good to go." Dr. Christopher Turk: You did amateur porn! Turk: I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia. What do I owe? Dr. Bob Kelso: It's about 3.30... Ah ah ah, I heard what he said, people; but damn, that joke's a classic. Murray Marks: Yeah, but wouldn't it be funnier if I jumped out on the second "I found your son", you know, just to get it out there? I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow. ", J.D. But he's got a son! [to the kid] Will you help me communicate with your dad? Everyone should know that last night, Elliot Reid and I made passionate love for a good hour and a half. So... how'd you do with my counting exercise? J.D. J.D. She likes to joke that I... Dr. Bob Kelso: ..."choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman.". Plus the other day you said you liked her. Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Dr. Christopher Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. Or for Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe? Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep. vu around here? Dr. John 'J.D.' But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices. [Kelso approaches] And there he is now, oh, big Bob-o himself. I've never done that. Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head] . Nurse Roberts: The boy's got no biscuits. Dr. John "J.D." [Cox enters and asks the 12-year-old patient Josh how he's doing]. Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'. [storms out as Laverne comes in]. [on Todd's shirt is written SHHH! : Where do you think we are? Neena Broderick: Morning. : Look uh... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. You're just like me. Dr. John 'J.D.' Yeah! The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you pretended she's invisible. Dr. Cox: That's so funny. You... Man? ]. J.D. : [after finding Dr.Cox laying on a couch] Dr. Cox, have you been here the whole time? Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me... Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty.". And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five. Janitor: [J.D. EKG negative; Tilt Table negative; Echo negative. J.D. Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me. : Morning, Elliot! "put" in the door eight years ago. [J.D. Just like drowning someone. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning. : Dr. Cox, do you have anything you'd like to say to my mom? [Jordan is watching Dr. Cox on the security monitor]. [Cox's fantasy starts: Cox preparing canap?s, he hands one to Elliot], Dr. Elliot Reid: Perry, no! I'm so sorry everything fell apart today, honest to God I am; but I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow Dr Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite, so that you can go ahead and have that storybook, drug-addled, Pitocin induced pregnancy that you've always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. Oh yeah... Dr. Kelso: [to Carla]... and Mrs. Turkleton! You'll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. He's/I've been busting his/my hump around here for six years. Points to him for tolerating Elliot’s crazy, then rebounding and ending up with Kim (clear upgrade in my opinion), however, he loses points because he lets Elliot string him along for far too long. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. Yes, I do happen to believe love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies, and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. Turk and Elliot then apologize to J.D. I get that. [Turk shows his new interns the patient list]. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? : [pauses and thinks] OK, never, but we both know that if I ever did, I would give you a break. There's not much talking in the family. May 6, 2009 And Hugh Jackman. Dr. Todd Quinlan: Mucho herpes! [Music stops suddenly]. Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh! Lonnie: Y'are! Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. : [Thinking] That made absolutely no sense, so just keep sipping. : Living with Elliot was certainly different. Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try. Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to! Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times? and Elliot are in bed at night. Bam! Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? : I do love that show. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long? Jordan Sullivan: Perry, give it up. Please... what's the difference between your Mr Milligan and every other patient in this ICU? She's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her... Dr. Cox: [interrupting annoying conversation between Jill Tracy and Dr. Elliot Reid]. J.D. Trust me. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. This never would have happened if you weren't so filthy. Dr. Perry Cox: Dorian again. Dorian: Bye! break up with Danni]. Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. Dorian: Jordan? Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it. Oh! It's waffle time! Janitor reveals that he saw the entire event and that his 8 years of torment was punishment for J.D. Since when do you care what anybody else thinks? J.D. Ted Buckland: Hey. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. Let's make a baby. : This morning you told me you had a great life. : [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down. . Listen, dead people... do any of you fell that I may have, you know... killed you? Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. Dorian: It was an accident. Dr. Cox: Gin is an alcoholic beverage, which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life. Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy's gonna be a bitch! I don't need to be ashamed of this any more... yes, I'm a Republican! You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends... well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now. Dr. Cox: Can I comment on the baptism dress? Dr. Bob Kelso: Listen up, nametags. Dorian: [voice over] If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank you for the same thing. In fact, should be any day now! It's not my birthday! One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. style. Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh! By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies. Nurse Carla Espinosa: No problemo, chief-o... Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye. Do you think I'm wasting my life. Turk: Yeah, but we're married - that doesn't count. Dr. Kelso: Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friends junk headed towards him at forty miles per hour... felt like I got pistol-whipped! I don't actually know what you do. No chance, Lance. Dr. Another ready soldier in the war against communism. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with? Dr. Perry Cox: I'm gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse. Turk: Well, I would like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either. [an overweight patient has not been losing weight, despite Dr Cox's orders]. Let's hear it. Todd: Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together. I'm getting my Rolos! You look hot! Dan Dorian: Twice. : Great! Dr. Kelso: A joke? Dr. Perry Cox: You see, for me sex is a sport. And then I head back home where I am greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing. Did you scroll all this way to get facts about scrubs quotes? Dr. John 'J.D.' other times, well, you’ve kind of sealed your own fate. Dr. Cox: Really? Me! Dorian: Ahh, he earned it. Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! J.D. Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me? But in tennis, they're forced to interact. You play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye. Ted Buckland: These two new nurses have wonderful breasts. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan; I'm just a little lost, here. Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. Debbie: Uh... ectopic tumor production secondary to renal carcinoma? [starts to dance like a puppet] Oh yes, dance! Dr. Elliot Reid: No. Dr. John 'J.D.' Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't really care who wins. We kiss, and we hug, and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! Turk: [voice-over] It's weird. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. Kim Briggs: I'd rather just go out with you. God knows the only other place I can get that on the planet is my Brett Favre bobble-head doll. Dorian: [holding and looking at the ultrasound machine] Oh, man... Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow. J.D. Todd: So, once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game. Dr. J.D. walks away slowly] Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, actually it's just CALL-TUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the K anyway. It's over, J.D. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married. What's your band's name? Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged? : [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question? [to Jordan] Should anyone ask, you beat him. Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor... [Turk makes signs which tell that Elliot is not such a great doctor]. Todd Quinlan: Whoa! Check that - a *great* hour and a half! Dorian: For your information there's a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend. Dr. Perry Cox: You should cut out the middle man and just have a therapist deliver him. Dr. Christopher Turk: I love large groups of white people eating pollen. ("My Student") and I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week of residency: every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions! D'you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Come on! Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. But Mostly Fork. Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real? Hey! Clock: Look, isn't it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy? The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. [Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing], Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie. When you least expect it... Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt. J.D. Mark my words he first year of marriage is just a real treat! Turk: When do you find time to see your patients? But it also said not to hide problems away. Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes... Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult! All you have to do is make a relevant comment on any post in the next two weeks and you are entered to win. Dr. Kelso: Ah... when I first started out, I could take this old white coat out, get a free haircut or a nice table at the restaurant... and hell, I never once got a speeding ticket. Dorian: No. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot, we can help. To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says. Dorian: Is it starting to burn? When they stop] Please tell me this is just an intermission, 'cause I don't want this show to ever end. 56 Walnut Drive. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. J.D. "Thank you, God. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Dr. Elliot Reid: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname! : I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. Cox: [while JD is coming up behind Dr. Cox] Oh, I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night? J.D. Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo. Remember: keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 15 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot... and Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate or mock the baby. Janitor: Oh. Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? J.D. Keith: The American season is over. Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. Wha - Calm down! Kielbasa! But, if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Mrs. Janitor: Oh, I must have thrown it out accidentally while I was cleaning your room. in Scrubs, Season 3 Episode 14 Dr. Elliot Reid: Doug! Carla: And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats! That's what I will be doing. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ. Murray Marks: Well, for starters, he named my Murray. Dr. Perry Cox: [examining a radiography] Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone. [to Jordan] Sweetheart, do you remember ours? - 'Scrubs'. Elliot: You know what? J.D. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. : Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego. The banner falls down and J.D. [Dr. Cox is discussing treatment with Mrs. Brady, who has her 4-year-old son Justin on her lap]. 's girl names • Janitor's pranks and lies, "They're all gonna die!" Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say, thank you. : And you two? Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. "You've had four years of college and four years of med school, so we can safely assume that you're at least eight. Jordan Sullivan: What have you been doing all day? Dr. Christopher Turk: No, man, they did this to Frank Fratcherman. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off! Carla: I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him? Directed by Marc Buckland. Be brave. J.D. J.D. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
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